omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My dick has a subreddit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
pray to the hookup gods
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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