I faked an abortion last night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
