I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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