Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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