Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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