Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
