Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
