I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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