If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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