no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
