hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
