I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
