We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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