We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
