I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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