Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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