Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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