Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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