who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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