Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
