You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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