My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
