Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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