Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
