I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
