i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
