I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
