3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize