the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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