What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
