I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize