Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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