just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
