i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
