I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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