So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
