Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
