and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
