I got chris browned last night
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize