Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
