i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
