So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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