I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
where does the pee come out of this thing
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
