We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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