Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
