Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
