It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize