I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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