I could make wine with my vomit
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
