So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize