I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
