Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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