I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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