Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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