I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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