Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
