Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
