he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
