Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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