Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
