i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
