I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm like, not good at living.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
