We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
