4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
