i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
