you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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