drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
