My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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