are you still at the devil's house?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize